Author: Ms. Shafiqul Farinas, MSc MPhil, Psychologist
Reviewed By: Dr.Keerthi Pai, PhD
In his book The Myth of Normal, Dr. Gabor Maté, a renowned physician writes, “If it takes a world to raise a child, it takes a toxic culture to forget how to.” The word “forget” in this context is particularly significant—it doesn’t infer we simply don’t know how to raise a child but rather we got disconnected with an innate ability we once acquired.
Parenting, once deeply intuitive, has become a commercialized enterprise. Today, we are inflicted by a modern parenting paradox: a natural, instinctive process; has been infiltrated by a bunch of external pressures, expert advice, and cultural narratives that sow doubt and guilt in parents.
This blog explores how modern societal pressures eradicate parental confidence, harm mental health, and undermine the very process of parenting while also addressing the need to redefine and reclaim natural parenting.
The “Parenting Industry” and Parent’s Mental Health
The parenting journey has been infiltrated by an overwhelming amount of information, often presented as prescriptive solutions to raising a “successful” child. Parenting books, expert workshops, and social media influencers constantly bombard parents with strategies, milestones, to-do lists, and checklists. While some advice may be helpful, much of it subtly communicates a damaging message: “You are not enough as you are.” – a message that undermines parental instincts and fosters a sense of inadequacy.
A study in the International Journal of Social Science and Humanity (Lam, C. M. et al 2019) shows how societal pressures, amplified by expert-driven parenting discourses, have turned parenting into what they call “a scientific parenting”, undermining intuitive approaches. The bombardment of advice does more than overwhelm—it erodes trust in one’s natural ability to meet a child’s developmental needs.
The research also pinpoints how commercialization exploits parental anxiety and guilt, creating a dependency on marketed advice for their personal benefit, while “breeding new generation of anxious parents.”
With that being said, Parental mental health is critical not just for the individual but also for the well-being of the child. A parent who feels chronically inadequate may develop symptoms of stress, anxiety, and depression. A study in the American Journal of Psychiatry (Goodman, S. H. et al 1999) highlights how chronic stress in parents can lead to emotional unavailability, inconsistent discipline, and difficulty attuning to their child’s needs—all of which negatively impact the parent-child bond. Guilt and shame driven by unrealistic cultural expectations act as barriers to healthy, joyful parenting.
Reclaiming Natural Parenting
Parenting is not one-size-fits-all. Each child is unique, and their needs can only truly be understood by the people who know them best—their parents. Yet, modern culture conditions parents to seek scientific knowledge, external validation and instruction rather than trusting their intuition. This is where the word “forget” becomes so crucial. What parents are forgetting is not some scientific knowledge but the very instincts they once possessed.
Dr. Gabor Maté emphasizes that true parenting is about attuning to a child’s emotional and developmental needs, which vary widely. Scientific research supports this individualized approach. Studies from the field of developmental psychology, such as those by Dr. Bruce Perry, a psychiatrist specialized in children’s mental health and the neurosciences, underscore the importance of relational interaction in promoting healing and healthy development for children. A strong bond with an attuned, present caregiver is far more impactful than any formulaic approach sold by experts.
Celebrating Parents as They Are
It’s time to redefine what it means to be a “good parent.” Most parents want the best for their children. Being a good parent is to strive to understand and meet their child’s needs with love and care. This intrinsic desire to do one’s best is the hallmark of good parenting—and it deserves recognition. Although, learning from other parents, experts, and researchers is not a bad idea, one can also benefit from reading books and listening to experts’ suggestion that compliments their natural parenting.
Parents must also be wary of marketing tactics that exploit their insecurities. The multi-billion-dollar parenting industry profits from creating doubt and offering solutions that may not be necessary. Recognizing this manipulation is the first step towards liberation.
Trust Yourself, Celebrate Yourself
Parenting is, at its core, a labour of love. It doesn’t need to be perfect, nor does it require adherence to external standards. The best gift a parent can give their child is their presence, patience, and an authentic connection. As a society, we must support parents in rediscovering this truth and celebrating them for the incredible job they do every day.
Let us remember that while it may take a village to raise a child, it starts with empowering the parents who are at the heart of that village. To every parent reading this: Trust your instincts, prioritize your mental health, and know that your best is more than good enough.
For empowered parenting,
Focus on Connection, Not Perfection: Prioritize building a strong bond with your child through presence, patience, and love.Take time to listen to them, ask about their day, or engage in simple yet effective activities like playing or colouring together.
Trust Your Instincts: Remember that you know your child better than anyone else. Trust your natural ability to understand their needs and respond accordingly. Focus on what works for you and your child rather than adhering to societal expectations.
Reflect and Evaluate: Set your own pace. Take time to regularly assess what is working and what isn’t in your parenting approach. If your child is old enough, involve them in discussions to gain their perspective—ideally when they’re calm and open to talking. Avoid having important conversations when they’re upset.
Celebrate Small Wins: Parenting is filled with small victories—whether it’s a good bedtime routine or a moment of laughter with your child. Cherish these moments to stay motivated and positive.
Establish Boundaries: Learn to say no to societal pressures or unsolicited advice. Create boundaries that allow you to parent in a way that aligns with your values and goals.
Prioritize Your Wellness: Self-care is essential for effective parenting. Whether it’s mindfulness, exercise, or a hobby, prioritize activities that recharge your mind and body, as a happy parent leads to a happier child.
References
- Maté, G., & Maté, D. (2022). The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness, & Healing in a Toxic Culture. Avery, an imprint of Penguin Random House.
- Lam, C. M., Kwong, W. M., & To, S. M. (2019). Has parenting changed over past decade? A qualitative study of generational shifts in parenting. International Journal of Social Science and Humanity, 9(2), 42-47.
- Goodman, S. H., & Gotlib, I. H. (1999). “Risk for psychopathology in the children of depressed mothers: A developmental model for understanding mechanisms of transmission.” American Journal of Psychiatry, 156(12), 1878-1891.
- Perry, B. D., & Szalavitz, M. (2017). The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog: And Other Stories from a Child Psychiatrist’s Notebook. Basic Books.
- Ludy-Dobson, C. R., & Perry, B. D. (2010). The role of healthy relational interactions in buffering the impact of childhood trauma. Working with children to heal interpersonal trauma: The power of play, 26, 43.
- Cicchetti, D., & Toth, S. L. (2009). “A developmental psychopathology perspective on preventive interventions with high-risk children and families.” Development and Psychopathology, 21(3), 723–740.